Some cultural perspectives from a new Ghanian friend

I went on a walk with Joy’s brother Ebenezer, Eben. He promised to show me around the neighborhood and they live down the street from my apartment. I met him on the street and we made a big loop around the area. I live in a set of apartments known as SNITT. We discussed various things and I enjoyed getting to know the experiences of a middle class Ghanian young man. We discussed relationships here, and he explained how they are generally not very serious when it comes to dating, and that marriage is always the primary aim. He explained that the man is expected to pay for 80% of the wedding, and that his role as provider and breadwinner are the most important things. Therefore, it is difficult for a man who does now have money to get a girlfriend. It seems that most girls go after men who have money and that can pay for their basic needs and take them out and give them gifts. Eben discussed that his plan is to look for a nice girl while he is a student, but if he does not find someone he likes enough to marry, then once he gets a good job and has money, he will hide it. He will stay in a not so nice house and take taxis around, so he can be sure if a girl really likes him for himself and is not just enjoying his fancy car or home. I asked if it is common for older men to date younger women and he mentioned a friend of his who is 20, who kept talking about this man she liked so much. When he met the man, he realized that she probably only was so into him because the man was in his 30s, and rich. He cautioned her because he thinks it is a sign of bad intentions for him to be dating such a young girl, and why is he not yet married if he has so much money. While this principle exists in probably all cultures, it seems stronger here because there is still less expectation for women to become educated so that they can work and provide. He explained that it is not uncommon in villages for men to take several wives, and that they are generally accepting of this as long as he can provide for their needs. Women in these areas are viewed primarily as child caregivers and marriage is just for procreation and sexual satisfaction. Not only due to religion but also because of the presence now of AIDS, sex is really supposed to take place within marriages only. I asked how the children are supposed to feel knowing that their father has another family somewhere else and this lead us into a discussion of the different expectations of parents here in Ghana. Within the traditional system, fathers are not expected to play any role in raising the children besides paying for them. He said that he was only exposed to the idea that parents would “spend time” with their children, and do things like tell them they love them, from movies from the West. I told him how one of my clients I worked with who was 9 and her father did not come to see her, felt very sad about it and felt that he did not love her. Eben explained that if a child were to judge a fathers love by their relationship with him, they would probably determine that they do not love them. Fathers and their children, in the class and culture where Eben grew up, do not talk, do not play, they may exchange a few words of “how are you, I am fine” or “I want this” and “get it or I cannot afford it” but beyond that no actual relationship exists. However, the man may work tirelessly for hours on end, even traveling far from the home to work, and therefore they are showing their love by paying for the house, the food, and school fees.